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Lately, I’ve been on what one might call a ride, starting a new job and getting used to a new routine. I’ve had to make decisions and conscious choices to change certain things going on in my life, and change is always something that brings the risk of harm or loss or disappointment.

In a serendiptous dovetailing, I’ve also had two or three recent conversations with friends about fear and how much control over our lives we should surrender to be free of it. Sure, there’s a lot of bad news out there and it can be very confronting when we’re bombarded by news presenters and politicians and even advertisers playing to and preying on our insecurities, trying to worm their way into the darkest recesses of our hearts and minds, but something I always try to remember is that most of the time, most of the world and most of the people in it are wonderful, fun and good to be engaged with.

The next stop at The Carnival is ….


The Rollercoaster


First, of course, you’re sitting dumb
Waiting for the ride to start.
You know exactly what’s to come
Yet still the thrill quickens your heart.
You kid yourself you’re in command.
You’ve done this more than once before.
You scoff just like a seasoned hand;
As if you could be scared once more.
But deep inside you know you’re bluffing
And all your bluster comes to nothing.
You’re quivering down in your stuffing.
You give yourself a mental cuffing.

The slow draw up the starting climb:
That creaking noise, that awful shudder
Always seems to lengthen time;
Each second seems to hold ten others.
You take the chance to look abroad
Before the ride begins for real.
You don’t know anyone aboard,
But you mark the ones who’ll squeal.
You tell yourself the guy behind
Is probably gonna start to whine,
And that lady down the line
Looks like she’s gonna be just fine

The brakes release, you start to plummet
What a feels a mile down from the summit.
Your stomach asks for leave to vomit
Your head feels like a searing comet
And if downward is not enough
You’re also moving sideways. Rough
And bouncing left, the curve is tough
Then upside down, who makes this stuff?
You ride through screams from those ahead.
Inertia makes your body lead.
The blood goes rushing to your head
And then back out as you are sped
And rolled and rattled, shaken, spun.
Now you’re staring at the sun
And now your upside down, what fun!
Before you know it the ride is done

The carriage grinds along the track
Delivering your body back
To where it was not long ago.
You’re tingling from head to toe
And it seems wisest to walk slow.
Deep inside your heart you know
The danger of the ride was nil.
It was a superficial thrill;
A pretence of facing proper danger
A sham of sorts, an unbacked wager.

But isn’t that what life’s about,
The way we’ve made this world of ours?
We shut the things that harm us out
And then we miss the scary hours.
We think its challenges we face
We tell ourselves we’re taking risks
From the comfort of our living space
Surrounded by our data disks.
Guess what? The real world’s just outside,
A place of chance, a place of harm,
But like the rollercoaster ride
The fear is what provides the charm.
Don’t be scared, but do be cautious
And take the step outside your door
Don’t stop because you’re feeling nauseous
There’s wonders yet left to explore.

© Darryn Roberts 2014


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I’m going to try and be more bloggacious again for a while. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say; other times I have stuff to say but doubt whether it’s worth anyone’s time to read. Mostly though, I just get into the habit of not being in the habit of blogging, because – as I may have mentioned a time or two – I am chronically lazy and basically unmotivated.
So, anyway, until such time as the good creative juices start flowing like a river, I need to self-inspire. I’ve decided to work up a series of linked poems with the theme of “The Carnival”. The first one is below. If it doesn’t seem like a carnival you’d actually enjoy visiting, give it time. The first attraction is not always indicative of the rest of the shows. Hopefully (and at this stage I’m as uninformed as you are, loyal reader) further entries in the series will be easier on the soul. Time will tell.

The Hall of Mirrors

A corridor of bent light
Reflects the same image
A thousand different ways,
From every angle come the leers,
The grins and grimaces of
A child, withdrawn
A son, disappointing
A youth, recalcitrant
Yearning, unreturned
A lover, unwanted
A tradesman, craftless
An athlete, clumsy
Potential, unfulfilled
A drunkard
A coward
A blowhard
Envy, unmerited
A kinsman, remote
A husband, failed
A father, absent
Resentment, unwarranted
A colleague, lazy
A friend, burdensome
A patient, unwilling
Achievement, negated
A spendthrift
A braggart
A fool

Oh. There’s another corridor yet?

© Darryn Roberts 2014


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I’ve mentioned before that I deal with mental health issues.  Well, more correctly, I should say I have them to deal with.  Sometimes the task gets beyond me, as it did for a few weeks earlier this year. They say struggle builds character; the way I’ve been lately, I’m just about a whole new font.

The Broken Mind

Every day’s a battle
That no-one understands.
Every night is torture;
Sleep’s a distant land.

The fears and stresses creep and crawl
Like grubs with burrows in my head.
I’m in a never ending fall.
I want to run, my feet are lead.
There’s too much quiet, too much to hear,
Too much dark, the light’s too bright.
Everyone is way too near,
Don’t want to be alone tonight.

Trying leads to failure,
Anger and frustration.
Not trying is for cowards;
That way’s no salvation.

In calmer times I know what’s true,
I see goodness, I have fun.
But when I’m spiralling I do
Not really know what has gone on.
Were conversations truly had?
Did happenings really occur?
Am I actually going mad?
Have I already landed there?

There’s no way to cope
Yet I must continue.
No purpose in hope;
The black dog will eat you.

Misery’s a storming ocean
With waves of ink that blot the sky.
I struggle through expected motions,
Kneel in the wash, pretend I’m dry.
I’ve heard the universe turns slowly,
That all to come’s already passed.
My soul is broken, I am lowly.
For me its spinning too damn fast.

I used to be centred.
I used to suppress.
My barriers fell and
My wits took egress.

Simple tasks defeat me now;
No sanctuary in routine.
I pace the floor with furrowed brow.
I feel battered, dry, unclean.
The very words are meaningless,
These concepts have no referents,
And so there’s no way to express
My dread of losing coherence.

Still, a spark flares up ahead,
A tether for my cognition.
The imminence of journey’s end,
The catharsis of oblivion.

© Darryn Roberts 2014


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So, since we moved from Parramatta to Mangrove Mountain, we haven’t had a home phone. Our friend, neighbour & landlord has been gracious enough to let us use his wireless so that we are not completely cut off from the world (we’re far enough off the main drag that mobile service is non-existent here on the farm), and we’ve been trying valiantly to get a home telephone service connected for the last two months. I really did think, after trying two providers and being quoted any number of outrageously different prices mid-process, that we’d gotten somewhere last week when a technician came to the house and checked out the existing infrastructure.
As he left, he said “It should all be good to go, but there’s a network infrastructure problem and Telstra haven’t allowed enough copper at the exchange for me to get you connected. It’s their fault, won’t cost you anything but it’ll be a couple of days I imagine.”
The following day, someone from Telstra’s service centre in Kolkata or Lahore or Kathmandu or wherever called me to confirm that my order number ######34 was scheduled for completion within three working days. “That’s fine,” I said. Did I want to have a temporary service made available for me in the meantime? Pretty sure that was a trick question, because if they can’t connect a telephone service due to lack of infrastructure then …well, you know. In order to not complicate things, I declined the temporary service. “No, I can wait another three days, if you’re sure that’s all it will be.”
Today being the third day, and with no phone connection completed and no contact from Telstra to advise of a delay, I ventured into the scary world of real-time helpline chat.
After a substantial wait to get through to anybody, during which time I flicked the job to Tara because I had other things to do, Tara finally managed to learn that
a) there was a hold put on our order for an unspecified reason
b) we need to speak to Nadeem, our account manager to resolve the matter
c) Nadeem can be contacted on the 24 hour service line 1800 blah blah blah, press zero at the prompt.
Borrowing our neighbour’s phone allowed us to quickly ascertain that the 24 hour service line is unattended after 6pm, and we should leave a message including the best return number to call us on. As you may expect, I found that to be a less than satisfactory outcome, so back to live chat I go. After lengthy delays in connection, then lengthy delays while account information is verified, and then explaining the enquiry (again) and then lengthy delays while the operator (M) tried to resolve my issue, he was able to come up with the following information:
a) there was a hold put on our order for an unspecified reason
b) we need to speak to Nadeem
c) Nadeem can be contacted on the 24 hour service line….
At this point, I did not admit to M that I already tried this number. I simply said “How should I do that without a phone?”. More lengthy delays followed while M attempted to make the call on my behalf, only to find that the number is unattended after 6pm. Could I call back tomorrow after 8am? Forgetful types, these Telstra folk, but I was gracious enough to remind M that I still didn’t have a telephone and would be unlikely to get one between now and tomorrow morning. So M, bless his heart, has undertaken to have all the answers I require by 4pm tomorrow on email. I was so pleased with this outcome, I offered to save M the trouble of emailing me first, and asked for his email address so I could initiate things tomorrow, but it turns out he doesn’t have email. I shouldn’t worry though, because he will make sure his supervisor coordinates to have an email sent to me. Hmmm. “OK,” I tell M “I’m sure you will not let me down, because you don’t want me to contact the Telecommunications Ombudsman anymore than I want to do it,” and then we wished each other a pleasant evening.

Now, as fascinating as this story is by itself, there’s more to tonight’s blog than just me snarking about Telstra. All those lengthy delays while you’re on chat mean you have to find SOMETHING to do. You can’t leave the screen. There’s only so many Grumpy Cats you can post on Facebook. So, what else might you do online while you’re on hold to Live Chat?

You could go to my wife Tara’s blog: Cruelty Free Recipes – Cooking With a Conscience for the best in vegan recipes.

If you’re into eating responsibly, and you’re on Facebook, you might also go to The Clean Eating Exchange where the delightful Alicia posts clean eating recipes, tips, stories, and education for those wishing to lead a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Comic book nerds like me will get a kick out of a couple of sites I go to almost daily. The first is Tony Isabella’s Bloggy Thing. Tony, of course, is a four decade veteran of the comic industry who has pissed off enough people that he doesn’t have to watch what he says, as he shares opinions, reviews and anecdotes from his rich career.
The second comic-related site I visit nearly every day is Super-Team Family: The Lost Issues, which is run by a fella called Ross. Six days a week, Ross serves up a fantasy combination cover, of highest quality, that he has made himself from existing artwork. Ever wondered what it would look like if Popeye met Superman? Or if Spider-Man teamed up with the crew from Star Trek? You’d probably find it here, and if not just send Ross a request.

Scandinavia & the World doesn’t post new stuff nearly so frequently, but I always enjoy her view on things.

My friend Kylie posts occasionally at The Amberjacks, because she’s a published author and it’s a blog for writers, by writers.

My other friend Kenn posts far too often for everyone’s good on his tumblr account Mr. Inappropriate. It’s not for the faint-hearted, although the weak-minded should get a kick out of it.

Apart from comics, my other ubernerdy interest is board games. I play online at BSW (download the game client after you register your username; mine is ‘crash9000’).

Annnnnd apart from being a (cool & heaps sexy) nerd, my other big interest is animal fostering, through Porsche’s Rescue. If you’re looking for a pet, or even better a companion animal, you could do worse than adopt from a rescue.

Got any sites you’d like to spread the word about it? The comments section is thataway (if I knew how to post a down-arrow, I would).

Cheers, Darryn

Poem: SEPTEMBER 29th, 2002


I have written before, I think, that I deal with depression and anxiety. I don’t ‘battle’ them and I don’t ‘suffer’ from them – although I certainly used to. Some years ago, however, I came to realise that they were part of me, and not some affliction to be permanently cured or a demon to be cast out. Just like a diabetic, or an alcoholic, or someone with specific allergies, there are things I will always need to do to manage my life and make sure I remain in control of the situation, and not the other way around. I take some mild medication, and insist on it remaining mild; my doctor once offered me increased dosage but I declined, for a couple of reasons. One, after half a lifetime of fast food and tobacco, I try to limit the number of manufactured substances I put into my body; and two, because I think the low dose takes just enough of the edge off the depression & anxiety to allow me to make conscious and positive decisions to keep them under control. I don’t want to surrender to low spirits, but neither do I want to yield my responsibility for actively improving my own life.
Apart from the pills, I make a determined effort to stay out of a rut, by trying new experiences and activities every chance I get – new music, different genres of movies & books, visiting places I know nothing about. I guess you could sum it up as making the journey important and letting the destination take care of itself. I eat better – fresh fruit & veg, often raw; a minimum of processed foods; no McDonalds or KFC or other industrial fast food. I exercise, but not nearly as much as I should, although every lifestyle change I make helps with that – I went from driving everywhere to catching buses to walking to work and now that I live on a farm, my aim is to do a minimum of two hours actual physical work every day. I try and do creative and stimulating things as well – from making jam to writing this blog, for instance.
Underpinning it all is a positive choice to have a positive attitude. It sounds redundant and simplistic – “Well yeah the way to not be sad is to be happy” – but it’s far from that. It’s constantly reminding myself that no, this isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a minor setback. It’s putting the mental brakes on before saying something that lowers the mood in a conversation, leading to anger or disappointment or other negative vibes, and choosing to say something constructive instead. It’s always bearing in mind that the big picture is only as big as I let it be, and always remembering that I have been into the pit and managed to get out once, and that’s a pretty damn fine achievement, and I can do it again if I have to.

September 29th, 2002

Why have I let the Darkness assail me so?
Beyond a doubt, it’s always there –
The fear, the anxiety, the pain and inadequacy,
And all the other poisons of the soul;
Beyond a doubt, they will accompany me
All throughout life’s journey.
But I need not let them lead me – no, not at all.
Instead, let them be begrudged companions,
Who insist on staying with me.

Very well then –
Ride behind me, if ride you must!
Keep yourselves in my shadow, or begone!

Today, I stood under the quiet rain of spring.
Tonight, I made sweet and gentle love with
Creation’s most glorious wonder.
THAT is life!
Beyond a doubt, my companions had not left me,
Yet there could have hardly been a more perfect day.
And I become aware, even as I write,
That this very epiphany is but a step.
Miracles of comprehension dawn within the eye of my mind,
Unfolding like crystal flowers in a ritual dance,
But I cannot grasp their bright and perfect symmetry,
And so they evanesce, but regret does not follow.
Rather, I taste a promise of joy to come –
That unique joy born of acceptance and contentment.

Let the journey continue.

© Darryn Roberts 2002

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